In honour of Made In Belfast’s Emma Bricknell who recently announced that she was leaving Northern Ireland for the sunnier Mediterranean island of Ibiza…I began to wonder what could motivate such a clearly outrageous plan…I mean, what possible reason could someone want out of our wee province? It was a struggle, but I came up with these…
You know you should leave because;
1. Because you treat bomb scares like there’s just an annoying bluebottle in the room
2. Because you’ve heard so many acronyms for terrorist groups that you wonder what Taliban stands for
3. Because you think chips are now an acceptable breakfast food
4. Because “Supper” now just means with chips…the last supper was just Jesus and his friends having their last “with chips”
5. Because some local politicians think that velociraptors are only a couple of thousand years old…and the giants causeway was just caused by Noah doing a handbrake turn on his ark
6. Because you treat taxi companies like off licences
7. Because no driving exam could ever prepare you for the roadworks here
8. Because Belfast has 7 quarters….and 5 seasons
9. Because this is what passes as street art…
10. [REASON REMOVED DUE TO PETITION OF CONCERN FROM THE DUP]
11. Because you can no longer tell if someone is drunk or just speaking Ulster Scots
12. Because you’re not sure what a Pasty is supposed to be…
13. Because when you order scallops there’s no knowing what you’ll get
14. Because you don’t want to share an island with Larne anymore
15. Because even yer ma says yer ma to you
16. Because you don’t want to risk confusing these 2 in an emergency anymore
17. Because Michelin won’t give any of our restaurants a Michelin star, as all we do is burn their tyres
18. Because this is our city centre after 5pm
19. Because you’ve begun to give everybody nicknames by just adding “sie” on the end of their surname
20. Because you’re sick of having to explain to tourists that they can’t have a glass of wine with lunch at easter but they can sit on the street and drink all the white lightning they want
21. Because you just can’t be bothered holding on to bank of england notes anymore for holidays
22. Because you don’t want to live in a place where “Glass” is a verb
23. Because you can’t bring yourself to buy “Going Out Pyjamas”
24. Because you’ve started to get xenophobic about foreign crisps com’n over ‘ere
25. Because you’ve began to think of Ikea as the worlds largest hot dog stand, that also happens to sell some furniture
26. Because in your heart of hearts, you know that Sam really ISN’T yer man for a bargain. Is there even a Sam? Who knows anymore…
27. Because you no longer consider the Glenshane pass a road…but a challenge
28. Because you no longer laugh when you see “Ballybogey” on a sign or on the weather forecast
29. Because you’ve stopped pointing out when someone on the telly is from here, and you no longer tell everyone that you’ve met that person that was on the telly but that they were up themselves
30. Because you are sick of colour co-ordinating your daily clothes based on what area of town you might venture into
31. Because you have used the following line at least once when complaining to a company “I’ll call Nolan on ye so I will”
32. Because there is no such thing as Noise Cancelling headphones that work in Belfast during July
BONUS – 1 Reason to stay: Because despite everything else…we have Crisp Sandwiches….
Any reasons to leave of your own?
